Pandaharsha

Colors of unicorn..

I knew what you were when we became friends.. I always wondered if I was a replacement for your old friend… who may or may not come back..

I didn’t trust you then, and I don’t trust you now…

I wish I had trusted my gut feelings and not believed your words of friendship blindly..

Now when I have turned against you and walked away… I see clearly… without doubt, any doubt…

Didn’t I tell you of your torments… repeatedly, didn’t I tell you to stop… didn’t I tell that I might quit.. I might leave…you laughed it away… you took me for granted…

Then why are you surprised… I am surprised that you are surprised..why did you push me so hard.. that I couldn’t take it any longer… It had to be stopped…

All of your fake apologies don’t mean anything, you just come back stronger, meaner and newer ways to torment me… Is it your way to proving dominance over someone? Does it give you a new high everytime? I know you wont spare me so easily… But I am ready for that… I have seen all your shades…

Now I see you… I see what you are… you showed me your true colours…Colours of the unicorn…

Forgive me I might be naive to believe you, or anyone for that matter..

I forgot we always walk alone, cherish it…people come and go, things are temporary. We must like them and cherish their happy memories for as long as they are there..

Once they are gone, new people will come and we must like them too..make a part of our life… That’s how it goes on…

So I am gone away for good, in a quest of new tormentor… only to walk away again…

I don’t know why I do this to myself… May be I get high too, punishing myself.. who knows…

The Magician…

So I paint…

…from my memory…from the yesteryear..

May be I am dead…May be not…

Perhaps “He” is too…

I paint a guy, a guy with a muscular frame. He has slightly long hair, enough to cover his innocent, playful yet tormented eyes. While a deep necrotic scar on his forehead and a tattoo of a cross on his left side of chest hides his hideous past..

His eyes full of dark and gloom as he sets his long, slender yet strong fingers

on his grand piano keyboard, playing a deeply disturbing sound..

She is woken up in hell, still hallucinating, follows the sound of romantic pain and stands behind him, careful not to disturb while watching him carefully.

His tall frame senses her presence and comes to an abrupt stop. The hair on his arms stand erect mesmerized by the charm of her presence. He looks from the sides and smiles briefly, unaware that she can see him smiling…

She sees a charming face with slight beard on a chiseled jawline. He pretends to act unperturbed and his fingers continue to act dramatic while playing the keyboard….

As he plays, a deck of playing cards fly from the keys of piano, set in a randomized, chaotic, circular fashion, only to fill the air in the room…

One of the cards slowly turn… and it is revealed… It is the “ King of hearts”

…. and she is his queen…

May be that’s how hell looks like…

May be that’s how “Devil” looks like.. enticing and captivating…

May be he was a person too once upon a time, not just a soul-less entity…

Welcome to my world…

The haunting… effect of pandemic

This is dedicated to a friend of mine whom I met online…who was there during these tough and testing times…Nothing haunts us more than the things we didn’t buy..

#Stoppanicbuying

#Stophoarding

We have failed as a society as what we have done to ourselves.

We have messed up our minds and our ability to think… Not thinking about others, not considering about needs of others, not putting others needs ahead of us in this time of crisis… Before we mock other nations for running out of stocks and supplies particularly toilet papers and sanitizers we must look into our hearts are we any better than them???

We deny, we ignore that we are, as we walk away triumphantly with air of confidence, wind blowing in our hair, ceasing our worry lines on forehead the moment we empty food stock and the atm machines and let it run dry knowingly and being fully aware of our course of actions, when the news of lockdown broke out…

We walk triumphantly as we managed to take it all out from the cash machine and exhaust it completely, ignoring the cries of an old, sick and needy lady who came all the way ….who wanted just 100 bucks for buying medical essential supplies… we have failed… we have failed as a human society….yet we walk triumphantly listening to iron maiden on headphones , even though we know we have done wrong… ignoring the guilt, ignoring the helpless look on the old lady’s face, ignoring the so-called noise of pain and desperation…when the noise is our minds…

We have saved ourselves at the cost of others…it makes us cringe at our behavior… the mirror laughs and mocks at our own reflection…we owe an apology… for ruining our minds, for letting it get the better of us, for ruining hope for mankind and earth…yet we walk away as if it didn’t affect us… at all…

So here I am… I am awake at the realization. at 4 am in the morning… writing my heart out…drenched in sweat even though the air conditioning is turned on.

Hoping this will let me sleep again… hoping my conscious will not rip me apart…hoping I will do better…if not for anyone, for me.. as I am a tiny part of society… a tiny part of society’s reflection… a drop in the ocean, a grain of sand in the dessert… hope I’ll do better…. Hope I’ll be better…

The witch:

You should have known that I am witch the moment you saw me…you should have run in opposite direction, I might put my hand through your heart while you are sleeping and rip you apart.. So run…

Waist length luscious jet black hair like a cascading waterfall, sharp facial features and voice, prominent jaw line, covered in jet black from head to toe and characteristic intertwined three triangle tattoo on wrist depicting balance between body, mind, soul and elements of nature; three arrows passing through it, one longer than the others depicting one behaving predominantly: typical characters of a witch

I saw it all, the moment I saw you, the way you hold paint brush and draw wide confident strokes, the way you shrink eyebrows when you are perplexed, the way who move your long, soft yet strong fingers while you are cooking and the way your hands run in your long hair when you are trying to figure out something…I saw it all.. all the once.. in the moment..

I am a natural one they say, I am a half witch-half human actually…

May be that’s why knowledge of herbs, medicine, food and magic comes naturally to me.. that’s how half witches are wired…

But being a witch is hard, I have to contain my energies so that it doesn’t get better of me…

I am heavily depended on salt water, activated charcoal and herbs to protect me. It may seem strange to layman the secret symbols which we are entrusted with, drawing on water surface while whispering a silent prayer to protect myself…

You see, water is very important and powerful force: it stores memory and emotions which flows down as tears, also acts as a cleansing agent. It takes away with it all the negative energy and holds within it while flushing in the drain…

So next time when our eyes meet and a part of me travels to you and returns back to me and if you witness a scene where you see my body set ablaze as I fly higher in a mystical enchanted forest, do not come to rescue me for I do not need rescuing…do not draw a protection circle around me with your staff as well, as I am not a damsel in distress… Just leave me alone, let me burn, let my heart scream.. Just wait down there… I’ll be back, I promise…

The Dark Lord…

Everyone has a dark side they say, it’s a matter of time when the demons will be unleashed… again… it has a a cycle of raising its ugly head now and then… will you love me and accept this as well? Let me know…

For it’s a integral part of me and I can’t let it go… it runs deep through the crevices and cracks of my soul like a deep rooted tree.. I have embraced it and managed to stay afloat for it protects me the unknown and makes me “me”. I am the Dark Lord. Now I know what makes me attracted to you, which I couldn’t figure out earlier.. you have a Dark side too… like attracts like…

Now when I zone out, I watch silently as the demons unleash. My soul gives a loud scream enough to shatter the glass windows and splits and flies in three different dimensions, all a shade apart, one stronger than the other.. and when someone asks what happened? What are you thinking about? I say “ nothing”.. but my Dark Side gives a wide grin…

I wish,I really wish I could not look at you…

Imagine sitting on a wooden chair in a wooden cottage and legs stretched out on the table. The glass lanterns sway away by the gentle breeze and the sound of distant stream of water dancing to the tunes of flute on a small narrow road makes it all seem worthwhile…The front view is splendid…And here I am smoking weed which is making circles as it goes up passing the sun kissed snow clad mountains and it melts my heart… Now I know why people have a longing for mountains… Once you are up there, there’s no going back to normal… A part of you will always belong there…That’s exactly what I feel when I look at you… That’s why its really difficult not to look at you, no matter how hard I try…I am sorry… really sorry…

Poem-You… (in another dimension)

The way you bat your eyelids like gentle flapping of wings of bird in a dark abyss takes me back to the memory where I lay on your speeding bike while you were riding it at the speed of wind, the air gushed through long lush hair making whispering sounds.. have never felt so alive and care free. I could die a thousand times to feel this way… I can hear your heartbeat in repeating cycles of pulsating and dropping down in a second as you hug me tight for long time on a beach with lighthouse at midnight as the light moves from left to right and sound of waves crushing against background… Do you feel vulnerable and open out there just like me… Now when I see you through the glass reflection out of blue, all I see is pain. Did I do it? I’ll never know.. I’ll never know…I hope not, or is it a mere reflection of what I see in myself on a serene surface of a pond unperturbed of whats going inside … you never know how many layers you’ll have to peel to reach in there, yet some faces are like mirror, so transparent and clear…